Pamville News roundup: hot summer crime

Pamville News reporters have scoured the latest news to shine a light on recent criminal activities and torture every last drop of fiction from the events.

Robbery to go A masked robber with a gun walked up to the drive-through window at a Wendy's in Atlanta, demanded to be given the cash drawer and ran away with it into the night, says a report from The Associated Press on Sunday.

But, times being tough, the robber was unhappy with his small take of $586, so he called the fast food restaurant to complain. Twice.

"What did the guy expect?" Said one customer, talking to Pamville News reporters about the calls. "They only keep so much money in a till. It's like fries, you don't wanna have a bunch sitting there getting cold. Dude wants a big order of cash, he has to call ahead."

New-age indergarten lessons Kindergarten graduates in a Victorville, Calif., school were provided a reality-TV-like lesson in personal conduct how-not-to when an argument between two moms escalated from a fight to an all-out brawl among the parents.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that the two women, who were charged with interference with peaceful conduct at a school and unlawful acts committed on school grounds, face up to about 90 days in jail.

Reports to Pamville News from unknown sources say that, even before the dust had settled, Hollywood producers had stampeded to this Southern California city to secure the movie rights.

"I want a scene that tumbles out from the gymnasium to the playground, y'know, people tangling in with the jungle gym and the swing set," one wellknown action movie producer said.

"And everybody will be kung fu fighting.

The women will be fast as lightning and a little bit frightening. See how I just thought that up? I can get a billion dollar budget for this one, baby!"

Many of the parents involved in the brawl were seen handing out enlarged copies of their mug shots to talent scouts in hopes of securing parts in any prospective movies or off-shoot reality shows.

Statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicate an uptick in the number of counselors in the area. Experts speculate that the counselors expect an increase in patients in an emotional fall out among the traumatized children through their adolescence.

Many economists see this event as a stimulus to the economy and are hoping to duplicate it at elementary schools across the nation this year. The director of the federal Department of Sign Design has already produced signage that will indicate the number of dollars stimulated in an area as a direct result of Project Kinderfighter, as it is already being called.

Nerds gone wild Robbers targeting a shop in Kaneohe, Hawaii, that caters to on-site computer gamers thought picking on the local nerds would be a quick way to make a few bucks, but they miscalculated what measures gamers are willing to take in defense of their electronics.

Ron Mizutani of KHON2.com reports that on the night of July 28 two masked robbers entered PC Gamerz and demanded money from Devin Wolery, the store co-owner on duty. Wolery pushed the silent alarm button before taking a hard cheap-shot to the side of the head from one of the robbers who then demanded money from the store's gamer nerds in residence that night.

The nerd boys were willing to give up their pocket change, but even nerds have a line not to be crossed. When the robbers demanded patron Dylan Hays' Nintendo DS, Hays went all full-body, punk Street Fighter on the pair.

Eventually, he and Wolery pushed one of the robbers out the door, taking several blows in the process, and pinned one robber on the floor until his buddies managed to drag him from the store.

Police later apprehended the two masked robbers and accomplice who had been waiting outside the store.

Their net take: a cell phone and $27.

"We are not your granddad's programming, Pac-Man, Ponging nerds," said one of the gaming regulars to Pamville News. "We fight virtual zombies every day. We'll mess you up."

Word on the street is that the homeboys will be leaving the gameboys alone and will, instead, be heading to the local Wendy's for an order of cash drawer to go.

Thank you for reading Pamville News, where our motto is: "If the truth is stranger than fiction, you aren't telling the story right."

(Inanities, 12 for the price of a dozen, at http://viewnorth40.com.)