By Alkali Springs Correspondent
From time to time we get correspondence from this one and that one, particularly now that our e-mail address is included with most columns. And, although we do not have time to answer them all personally, we do attempt to answer some of the more interesting in a column once or twice a year. Here are some of the questions and comments we have gotten recently.
"How dare you! In one column you say that there is still a drought on in the Bear Paws. The very next week you insist that there is plenty of water. How can we plan our weekend outing? We don't know whether to bring our rain coats or air-conditioned motor home. Would you please make your columns less confusing?" Signed, Confused.
Dear Confused. Look at it this way. Water is like money and weight. You can never be too thin or too rich or have too much water. So even though it might be raining at the time you read these words, still we need more and this column often reflects that. Enjoy and dress in layers.
"We two old bachelors at Cleveland have been readers of yours for years. In fact, often you have stated in your column that we have been your only readers for years on end. Yet your columns continue to get worse and worse. You used to be filled with anger and took the park board, (Montana Department of) Fish, Wildlife and Parks, and the general public to task regularly. Why, we remember that you even said that the loggers were raping the Bear Paws. We want more anger or you will have no readers at all!"
Dear Bachelors. As one grows older, one tends to sort of mellow out. You are seeing the kinder, gentler Alkali Springs Correspondent. After all, all the people you mention are God's children too and should be accorded at least a modicum of respect. And, as for you two #$%&**###s, blow it out your ear!
"I have heard that you are driving a bus over Logan Pass in Glacier National Park this summer. How can you do that and report on news from Beaver Creek Park? And if it is true that you are driving a bus, have you killed anyone yet? I have seen your driving in Havre. How could you get a bus driver's license?" Signed, Concerned.
Dear Concerned. Yes, it all is true. To answer your first question, we have a very strong telescope and can train it from the top of Logan Pass to Beaver Creek and get lots of goodies. As to our driving, while we have not killed anyone yet, we did luck out when getting our bus driving license. The girl just before us wiped out the back end of the driver examiner's car while trying to parallel park the bus. Hence, the examiner was so shook up that she barely took any notice of us at all.
"Everything you say in your column is wrong. You have got to be the dumbest person in Havre, Montana. How the Havre Daily News can continue to carry you is more than I can understand. Why don't you ever have the guts to sign your name to your drivel so I can call you up and tell you what I really think?" Signed, Red.
Dear Red. You have answered your own question.
"I love your columns! I would like to write just like you. A friend of yours told me that you drink martinis while writing and that is what makes your columns so good. I have gained a bunch of weight just like you, cut all my hair off just like you and still I cannot write as well. What brand of gin do you use?" Signed, Love your work.
Dear Love. Bombay.