By Ryan Divish
The block is back. Despite watching countless hours of television, reading sweet publications such as Entertainment Weekly, the National Enquirer and Mad Magazine, I have managed to get a small case of writer's block, again.
I swear it's like whooping cough, or that mystery case of asthma that girls in my gym class used to get whenever we had to run in class. It comes and it goes. I never know when it's going to hit.
The last time I wrote about my block, somebody told me that it was just an excuse to write about things other than sports, like Britney Spears.
Obviously, that person hasn't read my column much, because they would know that I very rarely write about sports and don't need excuse to write about Britney.
I've mentioned Britney in seven columns since I started writing them here for the HDN. That's like seven out of probably 40 columns or an average of .175, which is better than what Sammy Sosa is hitting right now.
I guess it really isn't so much of a case of not being able to write this time, but more of a case of not being able to decide what to write about.
So you know what that means ... cue the drums, lock the doors, put the children to bed ... it's time for more random thoughts on random things ...
What do you do when your favorite player gets traded to a different team? Nomar Garciaparra is my favorite player in baseball and he played for my favorite team, the Boston Red Sox. As most people know, he was traded to the Chicago Cubs for the equivalent of a stadium hot dog and two 16 ounce beers.
My problem is that I really didn't like many players on the Red Sox besides Nomar. I met the guy when I was living in Tacoma, and I love how he plays the game. The same cannot be said for most of the players on the Sox.
So what do I do? Do I stay with the Sox, even though I loathe Manny Ramirez, Kevin Millar and Johnny Damon? Or do I start cheering for the Cubs since Nomar plays for them? Could I seriously be a Cub fan?
I think I will do both, and mainly focus on cheering against the Yankees.
Pronto Pups are the greatest fair food available. There is nothing like getting 3,000 calories of processed meat on a stick. The only drawback is that they aren't exactly filling. Honestly, I can eat three of them and still need to eat some cheese fries and a steak on a stick.
If I could get somebody to finance it, I believe I could eat a minimum of 15 pronto pups in a sitting. I wouldn't even break a sweat and could still spend a few hours in the beer garden.
So, who's up for challenging me?
Need a reason to watch the Olympics? Two words: Jennie Finch.
The extremely long-legged and gorgeous star pitcher for the women's U.S. fast pitch softball team is all the reason you need to watch NBC's Olympics coverage. It doesn't even matter if its a live broadcast or not. Say it with me, guys: Jennie Finch.
If liking Lindsay Lohan is wrong, then I don't want to be right.
Let's be real honest here. A chimp could do a better job of hacking out this column.
There is not a better team to watch in baseball than the St. Louis Cardinals. Their offense puts up slow pitch softball-like numbers and they have seven Gold Glove winners in the field. In their lineup, a pitcher must face, in order: Edgar Renteria, Albert Pujols, Jim Edmonds, Scott Rolen and Larry Walker. Are you kidding me? That's almost unfair. It's almost Yankee-esque.
As I was researching for this week's column, I spent a good hour reading about a possible relationship between Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck in US magazine. I swear that if this is true, I will drive to Los Angeles and bludgeon Affleck with my softball bat.
Is there a more useless actor in Hollywood? Try and name the last three movies he did. That would be "Jersey Girl," "Paycheck" and "Gigli." Screech from "Saved by the Bell" has done better work in the past year.
What is my future wife thinking? The guy is so hard up for work that he was shilling for John Kerry at the Democratic National Convention.
Jennifer Garner cannot be dating him. She just can't. Even if it takes another restraining order, I just won't allow it.
Bill Parcells believes there was a spy at Dallas Cowboys training camp. He said there was a guy walking around the practice field who obviously looked out of place and shouldn't be there. Sorry Bill, that guy was Keyshawn Johnson.
I don't know what I like more, the fact that Tiger Woods is struggling or that Phil Mickelson is playing well. You have to love watching Tiger play now. The guy throws temper tantrums all the time and his caddy beats up photographers and steals their cameras. It's like when Shooter McGavin started playing bad once Happy Gilmore started making his magical run on the tour.
Yeah, this column is winning an award. I just made a "Happy Gilmore" reference.
Can Ashlee Simpson please go away? We're running out of room for dumb people on television. With her sister, Jessica, Paris and Nicole, the entire cast of "Big Brother" and every MTV VJ, do we really need another stupid person on TV?
Don't get me started on Ken Jennings. You know the "Jeopardy" guy, who can't lose. Doesn't he remind you of the kid in high school who would sit and take role whenever the teacher left the room? The guy is like Rain Man when it comes to answering questions. And he does it in that smarmy, I-am-smarter-than-you-so-dea-with-it way. I swear Alex Trebeck is one more final answer away from impaling him with his signaling button. If he doesn't, I will.
Is it wrong for me to still want to ride the Zipper? I just made the minimum height requirement about two years ago.
The Griz football team opened fall practice this week. All is right in the world. I'll say it right now. There is no way they're losing to the Cats for a third time in a row. If they do, I swear I'll do something crazy like quit writing this column entirely.
Honestly, would you miss it?
I kind of like this writer's block. It gives me an excuse to write about things that have little, if anything, to do with sports. Then again, even if I didn't have block, I'd still be writing about the same things.