by: Ryan Divish
I promised to write something funny this week, or at least write something in this space. Actually, it's the same promise I made last week, and the week before that and the week before that
I'll admit that I'm a bit of a promise breaker. I can't even keep a promise to myself. For example, I promised myself I would stop watching "Saved By the Bell" reruns. I promised myself I would only be at this job for two years. And I also promised myself I would stop stalking Shania Twain. Yeah, I didn't keep any of them.
Part of the reason I broke this latest promise to write something funny, or to write something period, is lack of good things to write about. Sure, the other part is sheer laziness. But it's like 70-30 in favor of the lack of good things to write about.
Think about this time of year in the world of sports. Is there anything going on? There's baseball, an occasional major in golf, the start of NFL training camps and the WNBA.
Wait, let me rephrase that. There's the Red Sox and Cubs choking as usual, Tiger winning every major in golf, potential holdouts for NFL training camps and nothing else.
What else can I write about? Television? It's the summer so there isn't much to write a whole column about. Not that I couldn't write 5,000 words on "The Real World: Austin." or "Beauty and the Geek," but we'll save that for later.
But following my newly adopted rule of "a promise made is a promise kept," I am writing something this week. I won't guarantee that anything that follows is funny, but I had to write something. After all, this an award-winning column. What you didn't know is that I beat out three other writers, a 13-year-old kid and a chimpanzee in my division. Anyway here goes ...
My co-worker George Ferguson went to a 50 Cent concert, featuring the G-Unit and Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boys recently.
On some level, that has to be funny. Can you imagine George at a rap concert? I can't. I can't even imagine myself at a rap concert. Try and imagine yourself at a 50 Cent concert.
What do you wear to rap concert? Do you wear rapper clothing? People always seem to break out the Wranglers, brush poppers and cowboy hats at country concerts.
Is there a minimum gold chain and tattoo requirement at rap concerts? Do your pants have to sag to a certain length? Are bandannas mandatory? I'll admit my FUBU and Ecko collection are pretty limited. When I picture George at the concert, all I can think of is Mini Me dancing in the rap scene in "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me."
When I asked George how it was, he replied, "It was off the hizzle-fo-shizzle."
If my television only had three channels with one showing Oprah, another showing Dr. Phil and the third showing WNBA games, all continuously, I would shut it off and read a book, or shut it off and fling myself off a cliff.
To answer any lingering questions: Yes, Jose Canseco is that dumb, and yes, Jessica Simpson is that hot. After watching Canseco on the "The Surreal Life," I am now convinced excessive steroid use kills brain cells. How can you be that stupid and not fall down more? He makes Simpson look like Stanford's valedictorian.
Speaking of Simpson. I don't make guarantees very often, but her latest video will be the highest rated video for guys ages 14-35 for the year. Without a doubt, it is the single greatest video on TV. I still don't know the name of the song she is singing, nor do I care.
When I first found out that VH1 was holding a reality show about searching for the perfect stripper, I was filled with hopes and dreams. And I basically had those hopes and dreams crushed when I tuned in for the first show and found out it was MALE strippers.
Does everybody that's not a New York Yankee fan cheer when they lose? It really should be a constitutional amendment.
If you want a good way to lose weight, just watch one of those eating contests on ESPN. They just showed the Alka-Seltzer U.S. Open of Pro Eating in Las Vegas. Contestants went head-to-head scarfing and gobbling down plates of cheese fries in the first round, spaghetti in the second round, and I was too nauseous to watch the next three rounds.
They actually have a national sanctioned governing body called the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). I thought it was the Veterans Of Major Intestinal Tears or VOMIT. Also, they really do have analysts and commentators for the TV coverage, much like football.
"He's really wolfing down those fries, Stu. Oh wait, we have a gag reflex. I think there's a slight regurgitation in his mouth. Oh, look, he swallowed it back down. Talk about a true gamer."
I think I vomited for them twice. I will never look at those foods the same again. At least not until the fair, when I get cheese fries with 14 Pronto Pups.
I know there is a reason that guys should dislike Mariah Carey, but I can't think of it.
If the advertisement for your TV show says: "from the creative mind of Ashton Kutcher," don't throw away your want ads.
I know it's early, but do any other people have that sneaking suspicion that Bobcat quarterback Travis Lulay is going to get hurt when the Cats play Oklahoma State. Other than money, nothing good comes from this game. If I was Kramer, I wouldn't even let him step on the plane, let alone suit up.
"Usually when I date a guy, it starts out with kissing and going to bed, then it goes to dinner and dating." - Rachel from "Real World: Austin."
Yep, I think that quote pretty much sums up every person on the "Real World" for the past six seasons. My other favorite moment so far is when Melinda cries into the confessional that she made a mistake kissing her roommate Wes while she and Danny, her other roommate, are dating. She then uses the words: "deep connection."
Please, you've known the guy for eight days. I hate the word connection when it comes to relationships. Watch "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" and count how many times they use that word. It's more times than the word "man" is used in a Cheech and Chong movie.
And if you found none of this funny, not one thought, not one sentence, not one word, then I have a suggestion. Watch Fox's "So You Think You Can Dance?" Trust me on this, you'll feel a whole lot better about yourself after just five minutes - and that's a promise.