Come on, Sandra! Don’t even think about forgiving that two-timing Jesse James creep. And REALLY! What a pathetic apology. Scrape the jerk off and get on with life. We’re turning into jellyfish do-gooders — obsessed with forgiveness and it’s undermining the very foundation of our society — turning us into absolution wimps. Doesn’t anybody remember the self-gratifying feeling of seeking revenge, wanting to see the looser who violated us squirm, holding a simple grudge, or playing a prank involving plastic wrap and a toilet? Our legal system would become a shambles if we don’t get a handle on this ‘forgiving everyone’ garbage. You’d get courtroom dramas like: Prosecutor: Mrs. Feeble, please point to the man who plowed into your SUV because he claims it looked like an alien spacecraft. Mrs. Feeble (in tears): I can’t. I’ve forgiven him. He’s such a lonely man and, after they used the ‘jaws of life’ to free Harold, you can hardly tell the transmission is now in the passenger’s seat. Look at the tons of bestselling books, nonprofit foundations, and religious groups that tout the amazing cleansing power of forgiveness — releasing us from ‘extra baggage’ that robs us of life’s energy. Obviously, they never met the slimy used car salesman who sold me my first pickup — that subsequently burned a quart of oil every 100 miles. “It’s perfect for you and includes a free treeshaped air freshener” was the cunning sales pitch he pulled on me. Then, there are medical studies citing forgiveness as a preventative measure for everything from heart attacks to scurvy. Researchers put a bunch of humanlike rats (they tossed out the lawyers) in a movie theater. Then they got one rat to pass gas by attaching electrodes to highly sensitive body parts. Of course, when exposed to the rank fumes emanating from the “control” rat’s anus (Norwegian for ‘rear end’), the ‘rat cohort’ (scientific for ‘group of rats’) got really ticked off. Blood pressures went off the charts with some rats seeking refuge beneath the concession counter, stockpiling stale popcorn they found under theater seats. So, using the same electrodes, the scientists had the flatulating rat apologize and, in what stunned the scientific community, the grudge-harboring rats forgave him with festive chest bumps (which, coming from a rat is pretty tough). They were even sharing their popcorn with him. Blood pressures dropped, no scurvy was detected, and everyone left the theater in a convivial mood. If those studies taught us anything, it’s, “Don’t let scientists attach electrodes to sensitive parts of your body in a movie theater.” Quite frankly, there’s no way to establish a correlation between test rats and humans — more specifically, the low-life who stole my credit card number, then charged $2,300 at Bath and Beyond. Even Hollywood knows the beauty of a good grudge. A classic example is in “It’s a Wonderful Life” (starring Jimmy Stewart) when, after ripping off the Savings and Loan, Mr. Potter says, “And Happy New Year — in jail! Go on home — they’re waiting for you!” Didn’t that just gall you? You wanted the jolly Bedford Falls citizens to drag ol’ Potter out onto the snowy boulevard and beat the tar out of him. Admit it! If they made the sequel “Potter Gets Pummeled” you’d be the first in line — right behind me. If this country morphs into sniveling humanitarians, we’ll be sitting ducks, willingly forgiving our Uncle Selway for making us sit through a bogus presentation about how to double our income selling eco-friendly products. I mean it! So, the first thing I’m going to do is make a list of the cretins who’ve ticked me off. Right after I convince my wife to remove these electrodes. (Joe Barnhart writes and avoids electrodes in Dillon. You want to be forgiven? Write him at lifestooserious@ gmail.com.)
Forgiveness — who needs it!
Published: Monday, April 5th, 2010
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