As any reasonably educated person knows, all superheroes and supervillains have special powers that work in some way to protect them. I really shouldn't have to school anybody on this fact, but according to a recent news item out of Wyoming, some people are still a little unclear on this.
So here's a little super-lesson:
• Some lucky supers are born with powers, like Superman, who needs no introduction, and the gods Thor and Aquaman, who were born with silver spoons mangled in their awesome fists of power. (Though, I do feel compelled to point out that Aquaman is a rather ridiculous name for a god. The dude's just asking to get beat up.)
• Some supers get their powers through sheer accident like Spiderman, who was bit by a genetically mutated spider; the Joker, who tried to hide in a vat of chemicals; and the Hulk, who can't handle his radiation overdose.
In fact, I think the majority of supers, both good and evil, get their powers from super-science gone wild. The weird thing about that factoid is if you're dumb enough, or unlucky enough, to run afoul of a little science project, how do you ever make it as a super-anything? Except maybe a super-corpse. On a super-slab. Waiting for a super-eulogy. That's super-bad.
• Other supers use the science products to enhance their powers with super-gadgets. Wonder Woman has those bullet-repelling bracelets, the invisible airplane (can you imagine running into a flock of birds with that? Ew) and her totally golden Lasso of Truth.
Magneto already has his X-Men powers of mind over metal, but he protects that mind from thought invasion with a super-duper metal helmet. It's basically a high-fashion version of the aluminum foil hat that protects the wearer from alien mind-readers.
Don't forget the rich dorks like Batman and Ironman. Love them if you will, but they're nothing without the dough-ray-me to pay for their super-attachments. Dudes are all gadget and no super. Unless you count super-slick at getting the ladies.
Some supers take their purchased powers to a different level — they're actually federally subsidized. Can you say Six Million Dollar Man?
And I suppose Hit-girl falls into this pay-as-you-go superdom, but our wee young super-friend has her some super-moves of her own, so just watch what you say about her. And you can't buy a potty-mouth like hers. It's pure, natural super-talent.
Now, I'm no geekologist to teach you everything about superheroes and supervillains, and for every one I mentioned, you probably remembered two more, from Darkman to Elastigirl. The important thing to take away from these examples is that each and every super has some kind of power that protects him or her from harm. Not all harm — that would be super-boring — but the super-harm that causes death. Super-protection is a super-fact of super-life. Simple.
That said, could someone please, for the love of our mothers, explain this super-protection concept to Brian Mattert of Cheyenne, Wyo.
Seems Brian, who was being apprehended for domestic violence by Cheyenne police on Sept. 16, is a little confused about how the super-powers of protection work exactly.
The Associated Press reported on Sept. 27 that Brian, misguided blooper-villain that he is, attempted to avoid getting subdued by Taser-wielding police officers by dousing himself in latex paint.
He declared to the officers that the paint was a protective coating that would cause him to die if they stunned him with Tasers.
According to the AP report, the officers proved him wrong. Twice. He lived.
OK. Repeat after me, Brian: "According to the laws of superpowers, my super-protection, whether inherent or accessorized, cannot induce my own death. That is counterproductive and contrary to said super-laws. And whether my super-protection actually can cause my death or not, I should not tell my opponents that I think it will. They will see my declaration as a challenge and act on it, for the win. Maybe twice."
(Get it? Got it? Good at http://viewnorth40.wordpress.com. Shazam!)