I started reading the Women's Health Magazine article "First bite warning: Foods that make you do bad things," which explains how eating sugary, fatty and other junk foods starts people on a crazed, junk food binge. Duh.
I was hoping to read that lima beans cause carjackings, or canned asparagus has been linked to adultery and tax fraud, or fried liver and onions is the leading cause of sociopathic behavior in teens.
Nevertheless, I'm sure I'm right.
Denver television news station FOX31 reports that Tuesday a woman caught smoking at gate B81 in Denver International Airport responded to requests to stop smoking by stripping down in public. And I don't mean the stripping of shoes, belts and metal objects we complain about before passing through security.
I mean the stripping one does before showering — to the primal nakedness of one's birth conditions — bare naked.
As much as this situation cries out for more hilarity, I will instead congratulate the Denver airport security for not hazing, tazing, macing, billy-clubbing, terrorist profiling, tackling, shooting or even arresting the woman. She was taken to a local hospital for medical evaluation. That'll do, security. That'll do.
Perhaps the next security staff meeting will include a briefing about not asking smokers to put their butt out.
Weather Channel meteorologist Mike Seidel told NBC News that the near record-breaking warm and dry start to the year in states east of the Rockies, coupled with high winds and low humidity, has created a "perfect recipe" for fires.
Really, Weather Channel? People are dealing with raging wildfires, devastating loss of property and lives, and severe restrictions on the summer's backyard wienie roasts, and you've downgraded the "perfect storm" cliche to "perfect recipe"?
A storm is an ominous and wild thing of nature that could put a real fear of sparks and fire-related careless into people; a recipe, though, is something my grandma whipped up for a family dinner or for entry in the county fair.
"You just put all your dry ingredients together, stir in the water, and set the whole thing aside until the dough rises." Yawn. OK, Grandma.
At that point, you find yourself praying Emeril Lagasse will walk into Grandma's kitchen and say, "Then just before you put the bread dough in the oven, add petite-sliced jalapeños as a topping and BAM! you have the perfect bread for any spicy Mexican meal." Bless you for your fiery enthusiasm, man.
The Weather Channel should give it some welly, as the Brits would say. Gobsmack their audience with a dash of awesomeness.
They should emphasize that the high fire conditions extend into Canada and Mexico then say, "For a major part of all North America, it's the perfect conflagration of elements for fire."
Now, that's an impressive mouthful of words that'll have people living in fear of even speaking harsh words while outdoors.
(You are free, now, to think your own thoughts, except at http://viewnorth40.wordpress.com.)