I don't even have television and I'm counting down the days until Election Day ... or rather, the day after.
Election Day is like Christmas Eve and the next day is the day off, the day of peace, the day of tranquility and togetherness.
I'm so tired of the senseless, election-politics bickering that the day-after-Election-Day politics-as-usual will seem peaceful by comparison.
Mostly, I'm tired of all the negative, nasty spin doctoring of everyone's words.
When one group is pro-choice in the abortion debate, the other group throws out any concession that the stance is based on science and sound reasoning and insists that those people are demanding that all women in America get at least one abortion, whether they want to become baby-killers or not. It's the law.
When the other group comes out anti-abortion, the pro-choicers dismiss any claims that the stance is based on science and basic morals, and they proclaim that those people are hijacking every viable uterus in America and demanding that all women become baby factories, whether they want to or not, for the good of our nation. More people means cheaper labor.
But what would happen if we all just tried to put a positive spin on things? What if we misinterpret for the side of happiness?
What if we consider for a moment that Democrats aren't pinko-communist, nanny-state socialists. Maybe they're pink carnation, Granny Smith pie specialists.
Maybe they just want to wear pink carnations and make delicious pies and give everybody a piece, with ice cream. That seems so much nicer than "blood-sucker of the rich."
What if Missouri Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin of "legitimate rape" infamy really was talking about Rap music and we just misheard? Maybe he said to KTVI:
"It seems to me first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that a woman getting pregnant from Rap is really rare. If it's legitimate Rap, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
End of story, end of song. Rap don't make her feel like dancin' the night away, and there are many different types of music besides Rap, legitimate or otherwise, to help her get her groove on, so it's all good. What if that's what the home boy meant to say?
And that anti-feminism accusation against the Republicans? Maybe it's hooey too. Maybe it's actually anti-fembotism. Yeah, Republicans don't like overtly sexy female robots — and for good reason, too
Those fembots are always up to no good. They lure the unsuspecting in with their programmable feminine wiles, then the next thing you know, they're shooting bullets out of their navel, and even a good clean beheading won't stop their creepy, high-tech heads from directing their bodies to kill you from across the room. Fembots are like that.
Maybe we should also consider that this political season has not created a War ON Women, it's a War FOR Women. Women are the prize … or rather, our votes are.
The Republicans aren't trying to go all Manifest Destiny on women's collective uteri or force pregnant women to die in emergency rooms. Nor are the Democrats trying to promote an abortion requirement clause for full U.S. citizenship.
There really can't possibly be a political debate over who is supposed to stay home to do the laundry — can there? I refuse to accept it
Perhaps our poor, misguided politicians have simply wandered astray from that golden path to the voting booth. I'm saying that the only way back from the dark, divisive trail they are on is to think happy thoughts and say positive things ... or risk permanent placement on someone's naughty list.
(I recommend they follow the yellow brick road, stay away from the flying monkeys, ignore "the man" who is lurking behind the curtain and click those ruby heels to find the way past the second star on the right and straight on to http://viewnorth40.wordpress.com.)