By Ron VandenBoom
It has been a while since Ive had the opportunity to take a look at some of lifes little lunacies and with the war in Kosovo granting me such a grand opportunity I decided to jump in before the military decides to scratch any more paint on its Apache helicopters.
By the way, does anyone besides me question the value of a multi-million dollar bad boy helicopter that isnt being used because it might be shot down.
I cant help but wonder why we went to all of the expense to move them to the Kosovo Theater of Operations in the first place if theyre so likely to get shot down that they cant be used.
And if theyre so much at risk in this conflict, what would happen in a really big conflict with a major enemy putting up a stiff resistance? Will there ever be a time when there will never be a risk?
I can see General Sam Caution now, red faced and fuming at his subordinates over the phone.
You idiots sent what where? he shouts. Dont you idiots realize what could happen if they find out we spent all that money on a helicopter that can be blasted out of the sky with a cap pistol. Besides those choppers were supposed to perform at my wifes cotillion on Sunday.
Of course, the military aspect of the war in Kosovo is only part of the problem. On this side of the world we have politicians trying to explain the logic behind the conflict.
This was evident Sunday when Sen. Max Baucus (D. Mont.), a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee, was interviewed on CNNs Late Edition.
Here was a perfect opportunity for him to have said something like, damn the torpedoes, send in the Apaches, or I have not yet begun to send in the Apaches.
Unfortunately, nobody asked him anything about the Apaches or anything else of consequence. His position on the Senate Intelligence Committee served no purpose because he was not asked anything intelligent. Baucus was forced to dazzle listeners with meaningless dribble.
He did say the war in Kosovo is very different than the Gulf War, DUH! And he also said, Chinas not our friend and Chinas not our enemy, DOUBLE DUH.
He added that we need to reduce our hostility to China. Good advice if you consider bombing the Chinese embassy in Kosovo hostile. And by the way, if youre in doubt, the correct answer is yes.
Of course, many see China absconding with some of our military and technological secrets and trying to buy a presidential election as being hostile.
Of course, I maintain this to be little more than sour grapes. Were just mad because we didnt think of it first. After all, isnt that how the spy game is played? You try to steal ours and we try and steal yours.
If you really want to get even with the Chinese, lay a few Apache helicopters on them. Dont tell them they cant be used in combat. Just make them think this is some kind of a high-tech gift from one friend to another boy will they be surprised.
Baucus wasnt asked about any of these things either.
The American relationship with Russia would also have been a good subject for Baucus.
Its obvious old Boris Yeltzen doesnt have too many rubles left in the old coin purse. Whats it look like for Russia after hes gone?
The only suggestion Baucus made was for the country to stay the course. Hardly the inspiring words one hopes to hear from our nations leaders.
Later in the broadcast, he elaborated on this terse earlier suggestion when he said, stay the course and keep talking.
No wonder more people know about Amy Fishers release from prison than know about the Apache helicopter, Max Baucus, or Kosovo. But thats another issue.
By the way, Amy Fisher is said to be planning a TV show with her former lover Joey Buttafuoco and his wife. But thats another kind of lunacy for a future column.