By Ross Markman
I've had it with these dang 'skeeters.
They bite my legs. Chew on my arms. Suck on my neck.
I swear, I have more mosquito and gnat bites on my body than the sultan of Brunei has wives.
You can play connect the dots on my legs, and paint by number of bites on my arms.
Played Frisbee Wednesday. Wore shorts and a T-shirt. The field at Northern was swarming with bugs and every one of them wanted to be my friend.
They buzzed in my ears. Flew up my nose. They're probably running through my veins.
Luke's wife, Stephanie, told me a dab of vanilla extract was the key to shielding the epidermis from the 'skeeters. I've yet to try.
My girlfriend's mom offered me emu oil and her dad handed me a bottle of something from Louisiana both remedies for the constant, unforgiving itch.
I can't stop scratching. I'm not sure what's worse: the red, bumpy bug bites or the long, redder scratch marks I make trying to relieve the itch.
When I came to Montana, I was told there was no humidity. Therefore, few mosquitos.
My luck. I move here and the sticky summer heat follows from Philadelphia.
Have you been to Fresno Reservoir lately? I went the day it flowed over the spillway, but could barely even see the rushing water because of the cloud of gnats and mosquitos circling my head.
It was like they were planning a large-scale attack.
I've tried that stuff Off. It doesn't work. Just makes you smell bad.
I've contemplated wearing long sleeves and pants every day like our 19-year-old intern who does so everyday even when tossing the Frisbee in 95-degree heat.
Maybe I can find the cure.
Perhaps I'll smother my body in snickerdoodle batter and strawberry ice cream. Or maybe I'll wear all my clothes inside out and carry an industrial-sized can of bug spray on a holster at my side.
Something must be done. The epidemic will continue until the 'skeeters take over the world.
Then we'll be biting them.
While doing my best to fall asleep Thursday night, the unrelenting itch got me thinking.
Armor. I'll wear full-body armor.
It'll probably be dreadfully hot, but I dare those mosquitos to take a nibble. Break their sweet little teeth.
I'm on eBay now pricing my new bug repellent gear. Found one guy hawking replica armor from the "days of King Arthur," the Web site said. The bidding was up to $2,200.
Another guy had armor for sale, complete with a "used" lance. You know what I always say: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em.
Comfort costs. And I'm willing to pay.
I could go the sensible route Jared the intern's philosophy. Jeans and long sleeves.
Might as well, because I just noticed something.