The world has come to this
April 25, 2014
It is, perhaps, true that the world is going collectively crazy. Or maybe it’s just something about North America.
Canadians, they always seem like the nicest, most level-headed people in the world, like the United State’s corny, eccentric, responsibly booze-loving, country-bumpkin cousins. Until now. Now they're just us.
In May 2013, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted to spending his days drunk in public, smoking crack and being an all-around, um, low-down no-good-nik.
This is somewhat reminiscent of the Idaho potato-state senator John McGee getting arrested on charges of drunken driving and felony grand theft in 2011 when, in a drunken .15 blood alcohol stupor he tried to steal a man's SUV and cargo trailer to find, as he told the vehicle owner, "the promised land," reported NYDailyNews.com.
Ford's mostly drug- and alcohol-fueled misadventures have been going on publicly since 1999, before he became a politician, says NYMag.com.
Since Toronto's city council is not legally allowed to oust Ford, and Ford won't leave office, council has given the bulk of his duties and his staff to his deputy mayor.
And since Ford, who lied about his 1999 arrest record during his first election, insists on running for mayor again this year, a Toronto group calling itself No Ford Nation, has started its own political ad campaign, advocating electing anybody to office except Rob Ford.
The ads use sketchy looking actors with fake campaign slogans like "When I urinate in public, I never get caught on camera" and "Elect Jeff McElroy, he promises to just smoke pot as a mayor — not crack."
Kudos to Canada for dishing out a good ol' American smear campaign the way it should be: served with a smile.
Residents of the Maryvale suburb of Phoenix, Ariz., report they are being overrun by small gangs with ties back to north central Mexico.
Phoenix news station KSAZ reports on their website, myfoxphoenix.com, that feral packs of up to 15 dogs each are roaming the streets in and around Maryvale. The dogs? Those infamous, hellraising, ne’er-do-wells: Chihuahuas.
Yes, the 7-pound, taco-promoting pooches are ready to mix it up with anybody who gets in their way.
These chihuahuan gangs are loitering on both public and private property and vandalizing everything they can mark with bodily wastes — from one source or the other. They are also intimidating the residents, with their displays of aggression and gang intimidation.
Children have been particularly frightened by these dog gangs, like a strange rivalry between the Ankle Biters and the Tricycle Jockeys.
Perhaps worst of all is that residents are reporting that the little, bitty dog gangs seem to be recruiting new members among the neighborhood’s larger, family pet, canines who act as their muscle. Good dogs goin' bad.
Government officials are advocating a lynch-mob mentality among the residents, asking them to lock any stray chihuahuas in their yards and call for officials who have promised to spay and neuter all the mini-canines.
No word on whether gang task force agenciess will threaten to do the same for the chihuahua's human-gang counterparts.
Meanwhile, back in Canada where the people are always so nice and generous, Metro News Canada reports that Halifax, Nova Scotia, resident Richard Wright has been detained by Prince Edward Island police who arrested Wright and tossed him into a mental institution.
His crime? Giving $50 and $100 bills, Canadian, to random strangers on the street in order make the recipients happy.
Officials were understandably suspicious of good cheer.
Wright’s daughter, Chelsy Wright, who presumably stands to lose the most as her father gives away what could very likely be her inheritance, defended him by saying that he’d worked hard and saved the money for this very occasion of giving while on vacation.
Apparently, that’s now crazy talk in the new and improved, modern Canada, which seems to be practicing the convoluted art of American logic more and more every day.
(I'm waiting for the day Mexico and Canada start deporting illegal United Stateans and send drones out to patrol their borders in a desperate attempt to keep us out at email@example.com.)