View from the North 40: Can you screen me now?

Health screenings are meant to tell you, and others, important things about yourself, but really, I’m more than just a list of numbers on a page.

Why just this week I took a 12-question quiz and found out that I am an “enlightened grammarian,” which means that I know proper grammar, but am accepting of the fact that language evolves with the times. I have “balanced the standardization of language with the practical usage.”

That made my inner nerd feel awesome.

Then came the health screening.

The first health care professional took my blood pressure, heart rate and blood oxygen — which were all within acceptable norms — and I was especially praised for my wonderful blood pressure. Why, thank you, I said.

And thank you, too, but please hold your applause.

The blood taking phlebotomist praised me for my readily accessible veins and easy-flowing blood.

Wait for it — don’t clap yet.

At the last station, the nurse-like person who took my height, weight and body mass index told me I am both short and fat.

Nice, huh? No, don’t clap now. That’s just mean at this point.

Admittedly, she didn’t say “Hey, you are short,” but I saw that number she recorded and I have gotten short. I’ve definitely shrank from my years of physical mishaps compressing my favorite spinal discs and all those countless hours working out at the keyboard developing my writer’s hunch.

And, true too, she did not use the “F” word. She didn’t have to. She was all, like, “Here are the numbers on your blood pressure, heart rate and oxygen. Those all look good. These are the tests we will be giving you results on in a few days. Please verify your address. Thank you. And here’s your height, your weeiight and your, um, body mass index, and HERE’s a list of exercises and guidelines for getting the most out of your workout. Any questions?”

Nope. No, I got it. Whatever. I’m really good with subtleties, and you weren’t even very smooth about it. Apparently I starved myself all night just to hear a nurse say in medical-ese that I am a “fatty, fatty, two by four, couldn’t get through the kitchen door.”

I could tell, she thought she knew things about me, health things, but what can a couple little tests reveal about me, the real me. I am more than just my girth size, or even my awesome blood pressure.

A different online quiz said I’m a daisy. I am cheerful and fun, it says, and though most people are drawn to me for your bubbly personality, there is far more to me than meets the eye.

See? Deep, eh? The Internet knows me. It's good to be me.

But don’t just take the Internet’s word about my sterling qualities. The Chinese zodiac says I am, in fact, “wise and intense with a tendency toward physical beauty. Vain and high tempered.”

See, I really like that. They don’t care about my girth, they think I have physical beauty. And I’m high tempered. I don’t even know what that means, but it makes me sound so brassy — exotic and brassy. By the way, it also says, the boar is my enemy, so apparently I’m important enough to have a nemesis.

In fact, I think the Chinese have told me all I need to know about myself and how I should live my life in a healthy manner.

When I broke my blood-test fast, I pulled the bacon slices off my bacon, egg, cheese biscuit. The boar, after all, is my enemy.

(But the dog got the bacon, so I do have one ally at [email protected].)