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From the North 40: It's the sounds of morningIt's classically, quizzically, me

Last week I explored, in part, the idea of who knows me better: the people doing the health screening who said I’m now short and fat, or my Chinese Zodiac which says I’m “vain and high tempered” and the boar is my enemy. This week, I’m giving the Internet pop-quiz crowd a chance to tell you: Who is the real Pam Burke?

These quizzes are one of the latest rages on the Internet. Working off your answers to a few simple questions, they tell you really important things like: What flower are you? What character are you from “Glee”? “Once Upon a Time”? “The Andy Griffith Show”? What kind of dog are you? Which cooking spice are you?

This is really important stuff.

So I took a bunch of quizzes.

Playbuzz.com says I’m going to be an Angel Warrior when I go to heaven. “Your cunning and watchful, and will make one bad a** Angel Warrior!” From which I can conclude only that I will be awesome but, apparently, I won’t know grammar anymore because, well, trust me, it’s a nerd thing. They got things wrong, but I vow to be a Nerdy Angel Warrior and avenge the grammar rules for this affront.

If I get to heaven.

It’s very likely I won’t be let through the pearly gates because Playbuzz also says I’m a werewolf. Yup, and if this is true, then mythology tells us I am pre-cursed, probably because I’m inhuman and I kill people by the light of the full moon. I don’t think they take kindly to such activities in heaven, so no angel wings for me.

On the other hand, the site goes on to say — in another quiz, of course — that my Achilles heel is kindness, which the site says I have in overabundance, and that sounds pretty good, though it’s highly unlikely to be said about me outside the context of this quiz. I’m OK with that.

Why?

I was Amelia Earhart in a past life — Playbuzz said so. And if that’s not cool enough for you, Julianne Moore would play me in a movie. She would rock it as a super nice, kickin’ Angel Warrior werewolf pilot. Wait. What? All that can’t be right.

If you are as confused as I am right now, just cling to this one fact: I am “Totally NOT a Sociopath,” says Playbuzz. I am “sweet, brave and helpful.” They determined this in eight questions, so the results are totally legit, and you are safe with me.

Also, the site says my soul is red. I am daring and passionate, y’know, in my soul, and either I or my soul is ofttimes misunderstood. Presumably when I use words like ofttimes rather than often. Maybe they have something there.

However, another quiz on the site says if I were a color I would be blue. This kind of confused me because I thought I was red, so I decided that they must mean I have a red soul-ish interior (or maybe it’s an aura) and a blue, fleshy, exterior (around the red soul interior … or surrounded by a red glow. They didn’t clarify). The blue part of me is “deep, comforting, emotional and naturally intuitive.”

Still, I wanted to clear up any color confusion, so I went to another site, Quizmeme.com, which said I’m green — a green nurturer. Thanks. I’m totally NOT confused now.

I got all, like, What!? and completely switched gears away from color issues only to discover that, according to Quibblo.com, I am a redneck. Yeah, a redneck.

I was a little startled by the results because the quiz was one of the longest ones I took — 14 questions — and I was unaware that a redneck could take a test that long. Nevertheless, I am willing to own up to the results, so I took another quiz to discover my redneck name.

Just call me Mistee Amber Dickens, that’s what Playbuzz does. Scratch that Pam Burke business. Mistee Amber is “the wildest girl in the trailer park,” and I like to play by my own rules.

I can live with that.

(They know me so well at [email protected].)

 

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