Beware of cockroach sending e-mails

Besides sharpening pencils, part of my job is fielding e-mail trouble calls. Stuff like, "Hey, Joe. I got an e-mail from someone I don't know. I opened the attachment but now my computer is on fire. What should I do?" or, "I have an e-mail with the subject, 'Hillary Clinton strips down to undies.' You think it's okay? I mean, does Bill know?" Such questions produce a warm feeling, so I typically answer, "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

Beware of cockroach sending e-mails

Joe Barnhart

But, what if an on-again, off-again friend, say, someone you had a child with, sent you the actual e-mail below requesting urgent help? Now, as a layperson you might be concerned. Well silly, it's a scam. As a seasoned professional I've spent my lifetime studying these deranged lowlifes' psyches. Check my parenthetic comments for the true, hidden message.

"Subject: My Dilemma/Help Me Out!!!

I'm sorry (No, make that, "pathetic.") for this odd request (Odd like a beagle mating a canary.) because it might get too urgent and this might sounds weird (As in my bladder speaks French.) and you wouldn't believe me (As a habitual liar myself, I get it all the time.).....but it's because of the mess i got myself in.I came down to England, (As a giant cockroach.) for a vacation, unfortunately (My IQ equals cooked cabbage.) i was robbed near the Hotel i stayed (Grammar was never my strong suit.), worse of it is that valuable stuffs were stolen off me (My brain's still missing.).It's such a crazy experience (My underwear needed hand scrubbing) and i need your help as my return flight leaves few hours, I've been to the police (Actually, I just came back from taking a wee-wee.) but the good thing (Beside I'm not dead yet.) is i still have passport but don't have enough money to sort out the hotel bills. Please, i need you to loan me some few bucks....... (I hope this e-mail sounds like I'm a regular guy instead of the inbred, mold licking, booger picking, sewer dwelling, fowl smelling, brainless, hopeless, toothless, pile of dung heap I really am.) i will refund it as soon as back home tomorrow, i promise (It's coming via the tooth fairy).

Thanks."

You might first wonder why your friend, who was once fluent in English, is now functioning with the skills of a tube of latex caulking. Secondly, if this "friend" of yours really WERE a giant insect, wouldn't you know it?

The truth is, your friend's e-mail account was hacked. It's a rather eerie sensation similar to a stranger watching you take a shower when you accidentally drop the soap. Obviously, this freaks most people out.

I suspect the cretin, who hails from Nigeria (National Bird: Black Crowned Leach), stole the password using the complex method of typing in every conceivable letter combination starting with "a" then "aa" then "ab." This would take months but, besides foraging for grubs, the guy obviously had time to kill.

After accessing the account, he scanned a fellow tribesman for head lice (cultural tradition) then:

1. Changed the password to block valid access.

2. Forwarded incoming e-mail to his account.

3. Sent out My Dilemma messages to all e-mail contacts.

4. Beheaded the sacred wild boar, drank its blood, squatted on the dirt floor, waiting for a trusting soul (I'm being kind) to reply. He then e-mailed instructions for a money wire transfer.

If there were justice in the world, our Nigerian friend wouldn't get a reply and instead would resort to weaving loincloths and catching piranhas with his toes. Unfortunately, there are enough saps (kindness doesn't last) out there that he receives money.

But this won't happen to you because you've learned not to REPLY TO E-MAILS WRITTEN BY GRAMMAR-CHALLENGED COCKROACHES WANTING MONEY!!! Oh, and when picking up a bar of soap bend your knees and lift with the legs.

(Joe Barnhart writes and sweeps pencil shavings in Dillon. Send comments to [email protected].)

Besides sharpening pencils, part of my job is fielding e-mail trouble calls. Stuff like, "Hey, Joe. I got an e-mail from someone I don't know. I opened the attachment but now my computer is on fire. What should I do?" or, "I have an e-mail with the subject, 'Hillary Clinton strips down to undies.' You think it's okay? I mean, does Bill know?" Such questions produce a warm feeling, so I typically answer, "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

But, what if an on-again, off-again friend, say, someone you had a child with, sent you the actual e-mail below requesting urgent help? Now, as a layperson you might be concerned. Well silly, it's a scam. As a seasoned professional I've spent my lifetime studying these deranged lowlifes' psyches. Check my parenthetic comments for the true, hidden message.

"Subject: My Dilemma/Help Me Out!!!

I'm sorry (No, make that, "pathetic.") for this odd request (Odd like a beagle mating a canary.) because it might get too urgent and this might sounds weird (As in my bladder speaks French.) and you wouldn't believe me (As a habitual liar myself, I get it all the time.).....but it's because of the mess i got myself in.I came down to England, (As a giant cockroach.) for a vacation, unfortunately (My IQ equals cooked cabbage.) i was robbed near the Hotel i stayed (Grammar was never my strong suit.), worse of it is that valuable stuffs were stolen off me (My brain's still missing.).It's such a crazy experience (My underwear needed hand scrubbing) and i need your help as my return flight leaves few hours, I've been to the police (Actually, I just came back from taking a wee-wee.) but the good thing (Beside I'm not dead yet.) is i still have passport but don't have enough money to sort out the hotel bills. Please, i need you to loan me some few bucks....... (I hope this e-mail sounds like I'm a regular guy instead of the inbred, mold licking, booger picking, sewer dwelling, fowl smelling, brainless, hopeless, toothless, pile of dung heap I really am.) i will refund it as soon as back home tomorrow, i promise (It's coming via the tooth fairy).

Thanks."

You might first wonder why your friend, who was once fluent in English, is now functioning with the skills of a tube of latex caulking. Secondly, if this "friend" of yours really WERE a giant insect, wouldn't you know it?

The truth is, your friend's e-mail account was hacked. It's a rather eerie sensation similar to a stranger watching you take a shower when you accidentally drop the soap. Obviously, this freaks most people out.

I suspect the cretin, who hails from Nigeria (National Bird: Black Crowned Leach), stole the password using the complex method of typing in every conceivable letter combination starting with "a" then "aa" then "ab." This would take months but, besides foraging for grubs, the guy obviously had time to kill.

After accessing the account, he scanned a fellow tribesman for head lice (cultural tradition) then:

1. Changed the password to block valid access.

2. Forwarded incoming e-mail to his account.

3. Sent out My Dilemma messages to all e-mail contacts.

4. Beheaded the sacred wild boar, drank its blood, squatted on the dirt floor, waiting for a trusting soul (I'm being kind) to reply. He then e-mailed instructions for a money wire transfer.

If there were justice in the world, our Nigerian friend wouldn't get a reply and instead would resort to weaving loincloths and catching piranhas with his toes. Unfortunately, there are enough saps (kindness doesn't last) out there that he receives money.

But this won't happen to you because you've learned not to REPLY TO E-MAILS WRITTEN BY GRAMMAR-CHALLENGED COCKROACHES WANTING MONEY!!! Oh, and when picking up a bar of soap bend your knees and lift with the legs.

(Joe Barnhart writes and sweeps pencil shavings in Dillon. Send comments to [email protected].)