Fast food diets — I'm ready

In the words of, I believe, the immortal Paris Hilton, "I'm cheap and I'm easy." If all it takes to reach instant fame (as in one of those cardboard cutouts where the star strikes a pose resembling someone who's had a frontal lobotomy) is for me to eat items from a fast food menu, sign me up. I'll eat almost anything. Now, the company that brought us the taco-craving Chihuahua and double-decker tacos claims it can help drop our extra pounds. They're using an unoriginal ad campaign copying Subway's Jared Fogle who lost tons of weight eating rabbit food laced sandwiches. Enter Christine Dougherty, a 27-year-old Home Economics dropout, who ate items from Taco Bell's lower-calorie "Fresco menu" five to eight times a week, dropping 54 pounds. Dougherty (who, by the way, is a lot hotter than Subway Jared) has been showing off her new body in TV commercials aimed primarily, from a marketing standpoint, for people with the IQ of a cooked radish. In the commercial, Dougherty flaunts her svelte body in a form-fitting dress and later a purple bikini while showing photos of a woman from the planet "If You're Not Going to Eat the Other Half of that German Chocolate Cake May I Eat It." She says, "I lost about two pounds a month over a period of two years by reducing my daily calories and replacing my typical fast-food lunch or dinner with something from the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet." Her husband ordered anything he wanted — currently weighing in slightly less than a pregnant water buffalo. Taco Bell isn't promising anything and repeatedly uses "These results aren't typical," and these are "not low-calorie foods." Such heartwarming disclaimers of honesty lead to the question, "If I lost weight and only wore a leather thong would it sell tacos?" Dougherty devours the grilled steak and ranchero chicken soft tacos — avoiding the half-pound burritos and any food in the dumpster. The Fresco fare is cooked the same as regular menu items but stripped of shredded cheese, sauce and anything resembling flavor. Obviously, to lose weight, you have to minimize your caloric intake as demonstrated by Dougherty dropping hers to around 1,200 calories a day. So let's get serious. Why not fast food menu items that'll really drop your caloric intake? Let's see some ads marketing these menu options: Boiled Chicken Nuggets. Try our hand-formed, batter-less chicken nuggets. Scalded in water until it reaches a pale flesh tone, we then serve it up with your choice of salt, pepper, or frozen lettuce. Big and Nasty Poached Burger. A juicy quarter-pound patty is gently lowered into uniquely seasoned boiling brine and cooked to perfection. We place it between two stale multigrain crackers with a snip of parsley to bring out the true "dead cow" flavor. Aphid Infested Sesame Salad. Who says insects aren't delicious? Our huge organic iceberg lettuce salad is loaded with high-protein aphids crawling with the energy it takes to change a boring salad into a tantalizing dining experience. Double your money back if you can eat the whole thing. Don't forget, a special prize if you find a ladybug. Day-End Scrap Wrap. Yep, each day we collect our leftovers, painstakingly turning them into a seasoned wrap you'll never forget. We pride ourselves in finding delicacies almost anywhere — chili under the deep fryers, fish fillets near the dumpster, or onion rings in the ketchup dispenser (how do they get there?). We know your day's caloric intake will plummet (especially if you find a hair). Bon-appetite! With these menu items, we'll all look like a praying mantis in no time. Hey! I found a ladybug! (Joe Barnhart writes and wears white underwear around the house in Dillon. Send comments to lifestooserious@gmail. Com.)