Running on hot air

A number of readers (two) have asked me for advice on what to do about all the terrible things that keep happening — catastrophic oil spills, stock market crashes, terrorist attacks, illegal immigration, Donald Trump. That sort of thing. They generally begin their questions with "If you're so smart … ." They flatter me, of course.

I'm not that smart, although I do have a master's degree. It's in journalism, but still.

I will say this for myself, however: I never went to Harvard. Right there that puts me ahead of most of the people running the country.

Anyway, here's my advice to you people upset with the way things are going: Run for public office (preferably the U.S. Senate, where you only have to fool the voters once every six years). Remember, whether you're part of the problem or part of the solution, you can extort a ton of money from corporations that want to buy your vote.

You have to belong to a party, of course, and if I were you I'd run as a Republican.

I've been keeping an eye on politics since the day before forever, and I have found that while Democrats may have very low standards for their candidates, Republicans have none at all.

Anybody can be a Republican candidate. Ignorance is no barrier and can often be an asset. A Republican running for office in Alabama was recently accused of believing in evolution.

He denied it, of course, but they're saying his candidacy may not survive the smear.

In light of that, I thought I'd offer a few helpful tips to help those of you inclined to run for the Senate as a Republican.

Here are a few key topics and positions you'll need to master: Small government.

This is the big issue. As St. Ronald Reagan said, "A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take everything away." (When you're selling that message, be sure not to get specific about things you're going to get rid of. That way lies honesty and defeat.)

Health care.

Polls tell us that the American people think that we have entirely too much health care now and don't need any more. Nobody ever lost an election agreeing with the American people.

Tell voters that if God had wanted people to have affordable health care, he wouldn't have invented insurance companies.

(Never pass up an opportunity to place God on your side of an issue.)

Climate Change. There's no such thing as global warming.

You cannot overemphasize that.

If there were global warming, we would have to do inconvenient things like cut down on energy use and adopt alternative technologies. This country didn't get where it is today by being soft on polar bears. (Best if you lay off the "Drill baby, drill" slogan while this unpleasantness in the Gulf of Mexico is going on, however.)

Guns. Promise to do something about the gun shortage.

Point out that while we have more guns than people in this country, there are many people who don't have any guns at all.

This is un-American and might very well be unconstitutional.

The carrying of a handgun should be made mandatory and they should be sold from vending machines at various public places, including middle school lunchrooms.

Biology. For too long have the American people labored under the yoke of the scientific method, a system that favors evidence over divine revelation, facts over belief. Biology should be replaced in high school curriculums by Bible study classes.

This would not only result in a more moral country, it would save on textbook costs.

There it is then, a platform for the ages — particularly the Middle Ages. If you are challenged by your Democratic opponent on any of these issues, be quick to accuse him or her of being in favor of death — death taxes, death panels, death of the unborn. It works every time.

Good luck, Senator.