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Possible news highlights from the year 2020

 

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There was standing room only at the Havre City Council meeting last night. As soon as the United Nations pledge of allegiance to the earth was recited, the gathering was called to order. Tempers flared as the council members approved construction plans for a bordello in the town limits.

Representatives of the radical group, The New Moral Majority, a throwback to the 1980s hate group the Moral Majority, asked the council if they would want to see their own family and friends work in such a place. The State Political Officer, who is required to be at all public meetings, stepped in to diffuse the potentially explosive situation.

He reminded these bitter clingers that it is a thought crime to impugn an elected official. A councilperson answered the charge by proclaiming that since judgements are not allowed and everything is relative, government at every level would be foolish not to recognize prostitution as a taxable activity. This argument enraged many of the rabble-rousers, who were forcibly removed from the meeting.

Up next, the council heard from many in the local marijuana farming community. The ability for mom-andpop operations to stay financially viable has become increasingly difficult.

The council was presented with a petition signed by nearly 300 people who represent almost half of the operations within the city limits. The focus of their redress was to keep franchises out of the city. The recent confirmation that the national chains "Tasty THC" and "Kind Green Bud in a Box" were moving in has caused mass paranoia.

These high-volume franchises have decimated the mom and pop marijuana distributorships in other states such as California. The local growers demanded that the government has a responsibility to protect their way of life, and banning these new businesses would be a good first step.

"We did the hard work of setting up this aberrant business model way back in 2004. These new people who come in after we do all of the hard work are like leeches. It is just wrong." The State Political Officer interrupted and declared that hate speech would not be tolerated and asked for an immediate retraction of the "leeches" comment. An apology was quickly issued. The council moved on to the next agenda item, which stated that the business license vote would take place at the next meeting after years of delays.

In sports, the winner of the Grizzly- Bobcat football game will be announced on Thursday. The bugs are being worked out of the greatly anticipated comprehensive plan for determining the victor. The new system is called Platonic Counting/Fairness Unencumbered. The chancellor likened it to the admissions process.

We do not admit someone to our university based just on his or her test scores; surely the winner of the game should not be based on just the final score. We believe this system levels the playing field. A few examples of the criteria are:

A) Which football team has done more to combat manmade global warming?

B) How has each football team overcome the bigotry of evangelical Christianity?

C) Which team has the most vegans on the roster? These questions and many others are combined with the score of the football game and an overall winner is selected. Our hope is to see this model adopted by all collegiate and professional sports teams.

NASCAR has said outright that they will not adopt this new scoring method.

On the national stage, Sarah Palin has been sentenced to the National Re-Education Camp at Hardin, Mont.

This facility is tasked with helping enemies of the state overcome their desire to stand up for God and individual rights. They are taught the importance of blending in to help build a stronger tomorrow. While stroking his graying beard Denis Duval, camp commandant, downplayed the celebrity status of any inmate.

"We are all adopted sons and daughters of the state," he said with a feigned smile, which barely concealed his agitated demeanor.

After the October Revolution of 2017, the new government needed a place to send those who required remedial help in learning how to obey their government. Hardin already had the infrastructure in place, and with Montana's strong loyalist representation in Washington, D.C., it was an easy decision. The re-education camp is also the largest employer in the state, since the people's victory over all coal and natural gas extraction was won early last year. Upon completion of the re-education program, graduates are placed at one of the recently acquired state run wind turbine factories.

This is where they will help to complete the people's ultimate goal, a world where: A windmill can be seen from every window.

(Rick Dow is a community activist who lives in Havre.)

 
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