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The federal government is frugal. No, seriously. If Uncle Sam bummed a hundred bucks from you on a street corner, he'd fund some revealing study like why ants look so small. Daily, your taxes support logic-constipating national gems.

So, it's surprising Education Secretary Arne Duncan recently told a House Committee that "No Child Left Behind is broken and we need to fix it now." How can you fix perfection — a program speaking volumes about the very essence of the federal government? From its introduction in 2003, the law has been, for lack of a better word, really freakin' groovy.

No Child Left Behind — as seen on TV — requires government-run schools to administer annual state-wide standardized tests to all students regardless of weather conditions. Final scores and grammatical preferences determine whether the schools have taught the students good, well, or more gooder.

NCLB has saved local yokels who don't have a clue about education. Instead of playing video games, states are now required to buckle down and do their homework. Can you think of a stricter headmaster than the U.S. Department of Education? I didn't think so.

Using state standardized exams is a foolproof process to determine what a kid knows. It hits the bullseye with questions like: "Raymond, driving 98 mph on a 7 percent grade, gets stopped by officer McDowskie who, using a quadratic equation, discovers Raymond's trunk was full of recreational drugs. Raymond's right triangle was missing. How long till he's up for parole?"

Letting states establish their own standards is a stroke of genius. For example, a Montana student struggling to rope a goat and one in L.A. deciding which BMW to steal would answer the following quite differently: "X = 2X+Y*3/X. Find the adverb."

NCLB teaches a lesson to schools failing to meet yearly state standards. Each consecutive year offers more dire consequences: 1) The stern talking to. 2) The public displaying of the "Dunce" flag. 3) The providing of supplemental services such as circus clowns. 4) The replacing of all staff with specially trained chimps. 5) The burning of the school to the ground.

What really rocks is that NCLB each year gets tougher. Oh sure, the Obama administration estimates 82 perent of the nation's public schools may flunk miserably this year. Serves them right! Even after "teaching to the test" — a sneaky technique whereby everyone gets the exams including the janitor — hooligan schools are failing to get ALL students closer to proficiency in reading, math and dental flossing.

Escalating NCLB standards make America strong. Here are actual yearly high school chemistry class objectives: Each student will …

Year 1: correctly find her/his desk 75 percent of the time.

Year 2: create a synthetic fuel from raw sewage.

Year 3: discover three new periodic elements using chopsticks, matches and a microscope.

Year 4: build a fully functional fusion reactor with spare bicycle parts using plans downloaded from the Andromeda galaxy via an iPhone.

Educators feel ridiculous NCLB standards cause schools to fail. Whiners! Honestly, it's a cinch to find decent bicycle parts these days!

NCLB is a bargain, destined to eventually: "Create a public educational system that provides all students the same Facebook access." Don't mess with it. It looks perfect sandwiched between Freddie Mac and Amtrak, amongst bookcases of equally effective federal programs patiently waiting for Raymond to get paroled and find his lousy triangle.

(Joe Barnhart lives in Dillon, Mont.)

The federal government is frugal. No, seriously. If Uncle Sam bummed a hundred bucks from you on a street corner, he'd fund some revealing study like why ants look so small. Daily, your taxes support logic-constipating national gems.

So, it's surprising Education Secretary Arne Duncan recently told a House Committee that "No Child Left Behind is broken and we need to fix it now." How can you fix perfection — a program speaking volumes about the very essence of the federal government? From its introduction in 2003, the law has been, for lack of a better word, really freakin' groovy.

No Child Left Behind — as seen on TV — requires government-run schools to administer annual state-wide standardized tests to all students regardless of weather conditions. Final scores and grammatical preferences determine whether the schools have taught the students good, well, or more gooder.

NCLB has saved local yokels who don't have a clue about education. Instead of playing video games, states are now required to buckle down and do their homework. Can you think of a stricter headmaster than the U.S. Department of Education? I didn't think so.

Using state standardized exams is a foolproof process to determine what a kid knows. It hits the bullseye with questions like: "Raymond, driving 98 mph on a 7 percent grade, gets stopped by officer McDowskie who, using a quadratic equation, discovers Raymond's trunk was full of recreational drugs. Raymond's right triangle was missing. How long till he's up for parole?"

Letting states establish their own standards is a stroke of genius. For example, a Montana student struggling to rope a goat and one in L.A. deciding which BMW to steal would answer the following quite differently: "X = 2X+Y*3/X. Find the adverb."

NCLB teaches a lesson to schools failing to meet yearly state standards. Each consecutive year offers more dire consequences: 1) The stern talking to. 2) The public displaying of the "Dunce" flag. 3) The providing of supplemental services such as circus clowns. 4) The replacing of all staff with specially trained chimps. 5) The burning of the school to the ground.

What really rocks is that NCLB each year gets tougher. Oh sure, the Obama administration estimates 82 perent of the nation's public schools may flunk miserably this year. Serves them right! Even after "teaching to the test" — a sneaky technique whereby everyone gets the exams including the janitor — hooligan schools are failing to get ALL students closer to proficiency in reading, math and dental flossing.

Escalating NCLB standards make America strong. Here are actual yearly high school chemistry class objectives: Each student will …

Year 1: correctly find her/his desk 75 percent of the time.

Year 2: create a synthetic fuel from raw sewage.

Year 3: discover three new periodic elements using chopsticks, matches and a microscope.

Year 4: build a fully functional fusion reactor with spare bicycle parts using plans downloaded from the Andromeda galaxy via an iPhone.

Educators feel ridiculous NCLB standards cause schools to fail. Whiners! Honestly, it's a cinch to find decent bicycle parts these days!

NCLB is a bargain, destined to eventually: "Create a public educational system that provides all students the same Facebook access." Don't mess with it. It looks perfect sandwiched between Freddie Mac and Amtrak, amongst bookcases of equally effective federal programs patiently waiting for Raymond to get paroled and find his lousy triangle.

(Joe Barnhart lives in Dillon, Mont.)

The federal government is frugal. No, seriously. If Uncle Sam bummed a hundred bucks from you on a street corner, he'd fund some revealing study like why ants look so small. Daily, your taxes support logic-constipating national gems.

So, it's surprising Education Secretary Arne Duncan recently told a House Committee that "No Child Left Behind is broken and we need to fix it now." How can you fix perfection — a program speaking volumes about the very essence of the federal government? From its introduction in 2003, the law has been, for lack of a better word, really freakin' groovy.

No Child Left Behind — as seen on TV — requires government-run schools to administer annual state-wide standardized tests to all students regardless of weather conditions. Final scores and grammatical preferences determine whether the schools have taught the students good, well, or more gooder.

NCLB has saved local yokels who don't have a clue about education. Instead of playing video games, states are now required to buckle down and do their homework. Can you think of a stricter headmaster than the U.S. Department of Education? I didn't think so.

Using state standardized exams is a foolproof process to determine what a kid knows. It hits the bullseye with questions like: "Raymond, driving 98 mph on a 7 percent grade, gets stopped by officer McDowskie who, using a quadratic equation, discovers Raymond's trunk was full of recreational drugs. Raymond's right triangle was missing. How long till he's up for parole?"

Letting states establish their own standards is a stroke of genius. For example, a Montana student struggling to rope a goat and one in L.A. deciding which BMW to steal would answer the following quite differently: "X = 2X+Y*3/X. Find the adverb."

NCLB teaches a lesson to schools failing to meet yearly state standards. Each consecutive year offers more dire consequences: 1) The stern talking to. 2) The public displaying of the "Dunce" flag. 3) The providing of supplemental services such as circus clowns. 4) The replacing of all staff with specially trained chimps. 5) The burning of the school to the ground.

What really rocks is that NCLB each year gets tougher. Oh sure, the Obama administration estimates 82 perent of the nation's public schools may flunk miserably this year. Serves them right! Even after "teaching to the test" — a sneaky technique whereby everyone gets the exams including the janitor — hooligan schools are failing to get ALL students closer to proficiency in reading, math and dental flossing.

Escalating NCLB standards make America strong. Here are actual yearly high school chemistry class objectives: Each student will …

Year 1: correctly find her/his desk 75 percent of the time.

Year 2: create a synthetic fuel from raw sewage.

Year 3: discover three new periodic elements using chopsticks, matches and a microscope.

Year 4: build a fully functional fusion reactor with spare bicycle parts using plans downloaded from the Andromeda galaxy via an iPhone.

Educators feel ridiculous NCLB standards cause schools to fail. Whiners! Honestly, it's a cinch to find decent bicycle parts these days!

NCLB is a bargain, destined to eventually: "Create a public educational system that provides all students the same Facebook access." Don't mess with it. It looks perfect sandwiched between Freddie Mac and Amtrak, amongst bookcases of equally effective federal programs patiently waiting for Raymond to get paroled and find his lousy triangle.

(Joe Barnhart lives in Dillon, Mont.)

 

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