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By Pam Burke 

'Twas the riot before Christmas


While Occupy North Pole is threatening to disrupt Christmas, the citizens of Toyland are causing their own ruckus rising up against the current ruling faction in Arab Spring fashion.

Traditionally, Toyland was ruled by Contrary Mary (though some historians say royal advisor Mother Goose was the real power behind the throne), but her reign ended in 1959 when the introduction of Barbara Millicent Roberts saw the dawning of the Barbie Doll Dynasty. Yes, The Barbie Doll.

Now Citizens of Toyland are protesting decades of oppression under the freakishly skinny and nonbending doll-queen, while Royal Crown Barbie has continually reinvented herself and enjoyed a lavish lifestyle which she shares with her boy toy Ken and an extensive list of friends and family.

Toylanders have rallied to nonviolent sit-ins at key points across the country, including Barbie's beach front property, and held their own against Barbie's legion of G.I. Joe armies. Political insiders claim that Royal Consort Ken had been ordering the army to "let (the protesters) eat cake," and shouting "Off with their heads!" until Barbie distracted him with a new surf board and Jeep.

Protests almost turned bloody in one region of Toyland, the Island of Misfit Toys, when a cowboy riding an ostrich fired a gun into the air near military personnel. It was discovered in time, though, that the pistol only fired jelly and the cowboy and the ostrich, who kept burying its head in the snow, were let free after they filled a tray of donuts with strawberry jelly for the servicemen.

Protesters are demanding a return to the times when Toyland was a childhood joy land, a little girl and boy land. But insiders warn that for this region to become a mystic merry toyland once again, it may take a Christmas miracle.

Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, Santa Claus is trying to bounce back from a media blunder made during a highly televised interview earlier in the week when he attempted to deny that he is part of the financially elite 1 percent.

When the interviewer asked, repeatedly, for Santa to admit that he is not only a 1 percenter, but also an actual card-carrying member of the top one-tenth of that one percent, the big man's face turned as red as his suit as he blustered several denials.

"I give toys away to every good little boy and girl in the world. Just give them away — for FREE! And I pay for all the production and transportation costs — how do you think that I have any money after all this? Do you know how much reindeer eat?" Santa said. "I should be asking for a government grant or a bail out or something!"

"But you're not, are you, asking for government assistance?" pressed the interviewer. "You somehow pay for all this humanitarian work as well as a lavish lifestyle — as evidenced by your red velvet clothes and your amply fed girth — so just admit that you're loaded with greenbacks."

"I, well, I do alright for a toy manufacturer. I'll admit that," Santa said, adding, "and I also admit that I'm guilty of being pretty stinking generous too! But that's it. You're going on the naughty list, young man!"

In an effort to regain his favorable public standing, so crucial during the holiday season, Santa and a handful of his 1 percenter buddies held a news conference this morning.

"Yes," Santa admitted, "I am one of the one percent."

During the booing and jeering of the Occupy North Pole crowd, Santa swept his arm back to point out his supporters, including Cupid, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Rainbow Leprechaun, Uncle Sam and the Great Pumpkin.

"We are all part of the one percent," Santa said. "With the exception of the Leprechaun, whose pot of gold at the end of the rainbow refills magically, we all make ungodly large amounts of money off royalties, appearances, endorsements and image-related endeavors, such as Easter Bunny's blog site TheOtherWhitePaganIcon.org.

"And we know it's not fair.

"To make it up to you, the faceless, nameless masses, we will be financing a heartwarming and gut-wrenching documentary featuring us, and other one percenters in all our wealthy glory. And you, too, as representatives of the downtrodden mass of humanity," Santa said.

"This documentary will give you a chance to rant — with your colorful cussing, arm waving and earthy sayings — about the system that oppresses you. And you will hear us expound on how we are entitled to our wealth and worth every penny of our exorbitant incomes and our power. Some of us will express a little guilt. You will go away feeling righteous, and proud to be the 99 percent mass of people who are significantly poorer than we are.

"The proposed documentary title is 'The One Percent: The Real Weapons of Mass Destruction,'" said Santa. "It will be worth every dollar you spend at the movie theater, from which we will profit in the millions. Ho! Ho! Ho!"

And the crowd went wild.

(Happy winter solstice and merry Christmas to all from http://viewnorth40.wordpress.com.)


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