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By Tristan 

Pamville Science News: Circle your party wagons

 


The Pamville science news editor tasked Pamville reporters to bring forth the latest hard-hitting dope on the recreational drug scene, scientifically speaking, that is.

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University of Connecticut officials in an internal review have found that their famous heart researcher, wine connoisseur and cheese cutter, Dipak Das has fabricated, falsified and manipulated data in the last seven years of his studies on red wine's benefits to cardiovascular health.

UConn officials recently turned down $890,000 in federal grants awarded to Das and have frozen all other external funding for his lab. Additionally, dismissal proceedings against Das, a nearly 30-year employee of the university, have begun, and UConn is in the process of notifying at least 11 scientific journals about possible problems with Das' professional findings.

The internal review on Das was started when a complaint about research irregularities surfaced in 2008.

When asked by Pamville reporters why the review took so long, one UConn official, spreading her arms wide to indicate several empty wine bottles and stray corks strewn about her office, shrugged and said, "Hic."

Her assistant was quick to add that "a, um, review of this caliber, must be written with diligence, aged and opened at just the right moment in order to nurture the proper bouquet.

"Here," the assistant said, handing the review to the reporter. "Just hold the review by the spine and waft the pages under your nose. This review started with large, pompous words plucked from the finest of dictionaries. It was then fermented in the hallowed halls of academia and aged to perfection. Note the heady fragrance of old libraries, government grants and academic tradition, with just a hint of apology.

"No wine before its time, and no review before it's due."

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Researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, and University of Alabama at Birmingham did a comparative study of the effects of smoking on the lungs: smokers vs tokers.

The study, involving 5,100 people over 20 years, only measured lung function, disregarding the aspect of lung issues and diseases, such as bronchitis, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and cancer.

This long-term data revealed that the cigarette smokers experienced a marked decrease in lung function while the marijuana smokers maintained, and even improved, their lung function during the test period.

Researchers speculated that the maintenance of and increases in lung capacity came from the marijuana smokers' tendency to inhale deeply and hold their air before exhaling.

Pamville reporters asked about the study's apples-to-oranges comparison of those who used marijuana as little as once a day to once a month against tobacco smokers who, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, average 13 cigarettes per day.

"Dude," the researchers said, "skip the apples and oranges, go straight to the chips and barbecue. C'mon, we're making a run to the store at the gas place down the street, then we're roasting my buddy's mom's pot-belly pig in the backyard, like in a giant pit.

"Don't worry, dude. We didn't kill the pig. It died of a heart attack last night and we told Mrs. G we'd bury it for her. So we did — on a bed of coals and we're digging it back up when it reaches the proper temperature for healthy and hearty consumption mania. We're calling it the First Annual Pork-a-rama and Ganja Ball. Wicked, huh?"

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After pulling an all-nighter at the First Annual Pork-a-rama and Ganja Ball, Pamville reporters went back to the University of California, San Francisco to ask lead author Jennifer Mitchell, Ph.D., about her team's recently published research into the scientific explanation behind the beer buzz.

They reported that "she said something like: Beer releases endolphins in the brain parts called the nucleus accu-um-buns and the orbito-something core-flexor(sp?!!). And, uh, these dolphins like the beer, so they hum. It just sounds like buzzing because dolphins don't have lips. The end ;-D"

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Thank you for reading Pamville News where our motto is "You really can handle the truth, but we can't."

(Contact the Pamville complaint department here: [email protected])

 

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