What war on post-traumatic speaking disorder?

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled news and editorials to bring you this special, anti-factual Pamville News Report on the war — the War on Women.

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Whether the war is real, imagined or just trumped up charges, the so-called War on Women has, thus far, been waged a million miles away from here in states like Florida, Ohio, Virginia and the deep south.

Pam Burke

However, a recent Republican gathering — billed as "What War on Women?" — in Havre featured former Montana Gov. Judy Martz speaking out against the existence of a War on Women and, in the process, proved that this war is real, it is here and it is claiming victims within our state.

After quotes from the event appeared in the Havre Daily News, leading Pamville speech analysts reviewed data from Martz's speech discovering that she is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from her time in the trenches, and some as a prisoner of war behind political lines.

"We looked at a handful of quotes from Martz before making our diagnosis," said the speech analysis team's leading scientist.

"Her statements — like 'This has nothing to do for me about war,' and 'listening with her heart ears instead of her … meanness ears,' along with 'if you deny him in front of man, I will deny you in front of my father who is in heaven, and I'm not afraid of you' — show extreme grammar and language errors and a likely critical identity crisis, all at levels only seen in those who have received a severe blow to the head or grievous emotional trauma," the analyst said.

"Yeah," added a junior speech analyst on the team, "we don't even know what 'heart ears' and 'meanness ears' are. I thought maybe she was talking with a liver mouth, commonly known as drunkenness mouth, but my senior colleagues assure me she's not that kind of woman."

"Yes, right-o," the senior analyst hastily said, "we, as a group of logical scientists, looked to hard evidence to support our claims.

"In this case we studied disconnected elements in Martz's life, such as the fact that she was the first female governor of the fourth largest state in the union and, driven by what she claimed was womanly instinct, once personally laundered possible evidence off the bloody clothes of a staff member who was involved in a fatal accident.

"And she is staying loyal to a party that has men like Ohio Gov. John Kasich saying — while stumping for presidential candidate Mitt Romney this week — that he thinks 'it's not easy to be a spouse of an elected official' because, Kasich said, 'they're at home, doing the laundry ... while we're up here on the stage getting applause.'

"Problems like this set up the perfect emotional storm, if you will, for what we call cognitive-dissonant brain sheer," said the senior analyst. "In other words, her brain virtually split in half because she felt compelled to be both political leader and launderer-in-chief to make her party happy.

"And maintaining this status quo overloaded her with stress, thus post-traumatic stress disorder has overcome her. It's tragic, really, for the woman who once proudly uttered to a crowd of 650 people: 'My husband has never battered me, but then again, I've never given him a reason to.'

"Excuse me," the analyst said, "while I go for a tissue."

But, dear readers, this diagnosis does not mean that Martz needs to surrender to her illness.

A Pamville secret-message decoding expert also looked at Martz's comments and has offered a possibly more positive spin on Martz's situation.

"I know it sounds like she's speaking in tongues, but I believe Martz is trying to pass along a coded message. I suspect that by the time Martz finishes with her proposed speechifying tour of 'What War on Women?' she will have spewed forth enough coded messages for me to cross-reference data to break the code.

"We're also seeking out high-tech aids — like an app for the new iPhone or a nifty secret decoder ring — to help us understand just what Martz is trying to say here."

In the meantime, Pamville News reporters are checking into rumors that a major Democratic super PAC will be sponsoring the remainder of these Republican events. We will keep the public updated.

Good day, and good luck.

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Thank you for joining us for this special Pamville News Report, where our motto is: "The truth is out there, we're just not interested in finding it."

(Besides, we heard the truth hurts, who would want that at [email protected]?)