By Pam Burke 

Rowe vs. Elliott: hottie cage match


Part 2 of 2

We begin where we began last time: with naked Mike Rowe on the Internet.

We move on to where we ended last time: with naked Sam Elliott on the Internet.

We see, now, clearly there’s a pattern to my thinking, there’s also a purpose: Who is hotter, Mike Rowe star of “Dirty Jobs,” narrator of “Deadliest Catch” and advocate of blue collar employment, or Sam Elliott, actor, horseman and straight-shooter, literally.

What is not clear is that the naked videos have no, or rather minor, bearing on my decision. They were just for funzies and, really, why not.

(For all the curious women, and curious others, who wish to see the videos in question, just get onto and search either man’s name along with the word naked to find the videos. It’s cheap entertainment. I do have to warn the eager of you among the curious that the videos are graphically, boringly, PG 13, even safe for work with nary a full-frontal dirty jobber or little cowboy to be seen.)

Meanwhile, back here at the North 40, the showdown is Mike Rowe vs. Sam Elliott.

In part 1 of this column I pointed out that the naked videos caught my attention and started the conversation that sparked the debate about who's hotter. My personal criteria for determining how hot a guy is is pretty simple: 1) is he tall? 2) is he useful?

In my younger days, it was just tall, but then I discovered responsibilities — things got complicated.

Tall is easy, and I’m actually fairly flexible on that — taller than me. Though, I will admit that even a Frankenstein-ishly ugly, but really tall, guy could get a second look. It's compulsive don’t judge me.

Though you can judge me about the looks preferences.

Yes, a guy gets bonus point for having appealing looks, but in my defense they get points taken away for being too pretty, too.

Yes, I’m prejudiced against pretty guys. They seem delicate, and in the case of a highly groomed man, it disturbs me to think a guy would spend more time primping in front of a mirror than I do.

And, yes, I realize that as little time as I spend putting effort into looking presentable I don’t leave a guy much margin for error, but what was he going to do there besides run a comb through his hair?

Put eyeliner on? Ewww.

As I watched and rewatched the naked videos, and pondered each man's perceived qualities — Rowe with his television series about usefulness and Elliott with his demonstrated ability to ride a horse decently, not just pretend that he does — it came to me that I really prefer Mike Rowe over Sam Elliott.

I know, even I thought I’d pick the cowboy. I wanted to pick the cowboy, but in the end, though, it was all Mike Rowe for me. Surprisingly enough, he won out not for his height or for his usefulness, but for his demonstrated ability to willingly make a fool of himself for the laugh.

Why was Mike Rowe naked? To illustrate the fact that truckers are important because they deliver necessary items like clothes, both outerwear and underwear.

Admit it amongst yourselves, you have to like a guy who comes up with that logic and backs it up on screen wearing nothing but a help wanted sign and a good point.

Me? My life seems so complicated now with three items on the hot-guy criteria list.

(Husband who? What? Oh, MY husband — yes, I do remember him, fondly, at


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