View from the North 40: This fridge-thing will be the death of me

The headline will read “Woman dies shopping for refrigerator.”

Readers will be expecting to find that I was crushed by a 22 cubic foot appliance, flattened like Wile E. Coyote, but no, shopping is the silent killer.

It’ll be a heart attack that gets me, maybe a stroke or an aneurysm just to shake things up a bit. My last words will be “I hate shopping,” then goodnight, Irene, I’ll drop to the floor in a resounding thud of defeat.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

I know what I don’t want. I don’t want my current refrigerator, for starters, which has the freezer right there at eye level — a convenient location for something I use once every other day at best. In the meantime, finding and digging out all the food for meal prep out of the bottom refrigerator is like an aerobic workout.

It’s all bends and squats and really reach to get that container that got pushed to the back of the bottom shelf. And, using your core muscles, throw that door all the way open to get that right-side vegetable drawer open. Arms wide. Whoo! Good workout. You earned a breather.

Honestly, it’s easier to drive to town for fast food.

So, yes, fridge on top, freezer on bottom. Check.

I want one door on the fridge part. I know those double doors look smart and stylin’, but I don’t want to open the right door then be all “Oh, crud, milk was on the left,” so I have to open the other door. What if I already have food in one hand? I can’t be opening two doors. What if it’s already-one-armed Mr. Motorcycle Accident digging around in the fridge? Two doors is a no-brainer kind of no.

I don’t need water from my fridge. That’s why I have a sink and faucet, so I have more room for food in my fridge. Check.

You’d think with all that forethought, the shopping part would be easy, but now I need to decide on a brand.

Not only that, I have to get over learning “today’s refrigerators can only be expected to last eight to 10 years.” Perfect. That annoying piece of dookey-doo refrigerator (that is the brand name) I have now was a used one given to me (by someone who hated it so much she was going to throw it away) more than 20 years ago. I work at a newspaper, I can’t afford to be buying refrigerators as often as I buy new shoes.

Then I have to decide white or stainless steel. I really like the stainless, but it costs more, and the fingerprint resistant stuff costs even more than that. And replacing it in a year if I hate it is totally out of the question. Please see above comment on income.

Do these things really matter to me? I don’t know, but I do know that these decisions will affect all future decisions on my other appliances, as well.

The sale lasts five more days.

I have analysis paralysis.

I’ve lost sleep.

If I complain of dizziness or pain or I stop eating, please take me to a medical practitioner immediately — my death is clearly imminent.

On the other hand, if you are good at decision-making and personal shopping, please contact me ASAP. You could save a life.

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If I actually do die from shopping, I wonder if that will make national headlines or if I should donate my body to science for further study on shopping-induced deaths. That would be all right at http://www.facebook.com/viewfromthenorth40.