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According to current popular standards, I should be referring to my animals as “fur-babies,” but we don’t share that kind of relationship.

My critters aren’t my children and I’m not their mother. I think I would remembered having a puppy in a birthing room 15 years ago. I’m equally certain everyone else would remember that, too. Surely a photo would still be circling the internet of things showing a fuzzy newborn puppy, already sporting a full beard and old-man eyebrows, lying swaddled in blue in a baby observation nursery.

These days it would be a meme with the caption, “Th...