Looking out my backdoor: Down the Rabbit Hole with 'adicles'

Such a simple thing, making the bed when one gets up in the morning. If one does. Make the bed, that is. If that is one’s habit.

Who’d have thought, who could have imagined, there would be at least five different things one did wrong every morning of one’s life while making the bed.

Cor blimey. (I read that in a book. It means something similar to “what the hay” or “dang me, orter take a rope and hang me” and other phrases of utter astonishment.)

How do I know that I and possibly you, if you make the bed at all, are probably doing it wrongly?

Why, I read it on the internet, of course.

When I bring up my favorite weather forecast each morning, after wrongly making my bed, it comes with accompaniment; several articles of which somebody wants us to think are vital news and information.

I just brought up my weather report and counted the offerings. Sixteen articles surround my weather, with a bar at the bottom one might click to “see more.” Eliminating sports and movie star gossip; I’m sorry, I simply cannot call that news, “Hang me,” one, as in numeral one, actual news article popped up.

The remaining articles, shouting loudly, are attention grabbers such as giant python reports of several varieties in almost every state, crawling through bedroom windows, cuddling next to the baby in the crib, that sort of thing.

Evidently pythons are a most popular pet, until, like baby chicks at Easter, they aren’t.

Or how about foods our grandparents ate which never should be revived or same foods which should be brought back, I presume with the same reasons for each point of view.

Or such fascinating topics as the most popular dog’s name in your state in 1970. Or Baby Boy’s most popular name. Or Baby Girl. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

I don’t open these articles. I just notice them.

Oh, okay. Once every year or so I open one and trip down the rabbit hole. Happened a few weeks ago. There were 34 ways to more easily tackle common cleaning chores, you know, greasy ovens and such. The title and picture that seduced me, promised that I’d no longer see mineral stains in the toilet. Where’s Alice when you need her?

Here’s what I found. Out of the 34 geared-to-be-entertaining helpful hints, all but four were sales ads. Rather than “articles,” let’s call them “adicles.” And the adicle never did address mineral stains in my toilet bowl. But it certainly skated all around the house while trying to sell me things I don’t want and don’t need.

I’m intrigued that a majority of these ‘helpful’ ad articles are geared to make you look better, prettier, slimmer, less wrinkled, hairier or less hairy and so on and on. The message loud and clear is that you, as you are, are not good enough. You are not pretty enough slim enough strong enough young enough and not only that, you can’t do anything right.

Well. How about that. Makes me want to go back to bed. The bed I made wrong in five different ways this morning.

So what’s the right way to make the bed? I don’t know. I didn’t read the adicle. None of the rabbit holes I’ve fallen into have actually addressed the problem which seduced me into the warren of tunnels and good luck to you finding your way out.

I make my bed the way I want and you make your bed the way you want. Let’s agree that our ways are the “right” ways.

And we are enough!

——

Sondra Ashton grew up in Harlem but spent most of her adult life out of state. She returned to see the Hi-Line with a perspective of delight. After several years back in Harlem, Ashton is seeking new experiences in Etzatlan, Mexico. Once a Montanan, always. Read Ashton’s essays and other work at http://montanatumbleweed.blogspot.com/. Email [email protected].