Part 1 of 2.
I saw Mike Rowe naked.
Not in person, of course, like with my eyes reaching out and touching his bare-naked skin — because he’s Mike Rowe, “Dirty Jobs,” “Deadliest Catch,” “I got me a resonant, opera-trained voice that I use to advocate for blue collar work” Mike Rowe, so the possibility that I would personally see him naked-as-the-day is just, that would, so far, it’s really, yeah, right.
You know what I mean.
Plus, he was holding a “Help Wanted” sign over his personal dirty job, and he was probably wearing a Hollywood, fake-naked thong, but with all his other skin showing, he looked, for all intents and purposes naked. That was naked enough for me.
Rowe was using his nakedness to illustrate the point that truckers are awesome, and the trucking profession is valuable to society because without truckers we wouldn’t have useful things like clothing. Good point, well played.
When I mentioned this viewing opportunity to a co-worker, it sparked the question, what makes a man hot. Easy answer — I’ve discussed this very topic here in my column. For me to consider a man attractive, even sexy if you will, he needs two qualities (in no particular order): height and usefulness.
It’s that simple. Mike Rowe, six feet tall and capable of doing all those dirty jobs, check and check, has it going on. Plus he is easy on the eyes and he does have that voice, just saying.
But then — and this is where it got interesting and a little more complicated — Co-worker said to me, what about Sam Elliott?
Well, now, interesting. He’s tall, he knows how to ride a horse, I’ve read that he is outdoors-oriented and worked in construction while trying to make it in acting and he actually knows how to shoot the guns he carries in movies, not just Hollywood fake-shoot. Plus, he is easy on the eyes and he does have that voice, too.
Yes, I said, but with some kind of reservations that I couldn’t really pinpoint. Why, I wondered. Why the hesitation? Why is my gut reaction saying Mike Rowe is hotter? And that “why?” question spawned a philosophical-level debate in my head. It raged there for weeks.
It forced me to watch the Mike Rowe naked video a few more times.
Nothing like the “who do you think is hotter” conundrum to spark a philosophical exploration into your own values and sense of why-ness.
This Mike Rowe vs. Sam Elliott question was simply a new twist on the old Ginger or Mary Ann debate, only in this case it’s a question of, let’s say, Mary Ann or Elly May Clampett. They’re close to being the same thing, but are a little different. They’re two hometown, homegrown type girls. Elly May is more robust but volatile, too, and Mary Ann is more domestic, but possibly co-dependent as well.
So debate the girls’ merits among yourselves, I’ve got my hands full with Mike Rowe and Sam Elliott — which didn’t sound as creepy in my head as it looks on paper.
I have a decision on my Mike Rowe or Sam Elliott question, but in the interest of thoroughness I will watch the movie "The Legacy" which I understand has a Sam Elliott buns scene — because I am nothing if not a keen investigative journalist.
(I'll get back to you next week on this matter at firstname.lastname@example.org.)