When fictional characters attack

Pam Burke

We here at Pamville News — employees, interns, volunteers, hangers-on and laze-abouts — in no way condone, excuse or otherwise support violence in any form.

That said, though, when you hear that a man in the UK was beat up by two guys dressed like Oompa Loompas — orange skin, green hair, hoop pants and all — ya just gotta laugh.

It may be the law.

It really could be.

The UK's Daily Mail Online reports that the Norfolk police said two men dressed like the fictional characters from "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory," attacked an unidentified 28-year-old man as he left a kebab restaurant. They pushed the man onto the ground, and when he got up, they hit him in the head causing him to fall again, and then they hit him while he was down on the ground.

The man sustained cuts to his face, nose and lip, along with two black eyes in the altercation which took place around 3:20 a.m. Dec. 27 in the area of Norwich, Norfolk, the report said.

Police, speculating that the attackers had been out partying, have asked the public to check footage from their closed circuit security cameras, popular in the private sector in the UK, and to report all Oompa Loompa sightings from any "fancy dress" parties in the area.

The Daily Mail did not offer a translation from Queen's English to Hick's English, but it is assumed here at the Pamville office in north-central Montana that a "fancy dress party" is a costume party and not a special event for which you "dress up" in your newest blue jeans and wear shoes that have never been used to do chores. Or at least any signs of chore duties have been scraped off, washed up or otherwise deodorized out of the shoes.

The Daily Mail also reports that this is not the first time Oompa Loompas have participated in mischief in the UK.

An Oompa Loompa dress-alike was "allegedly involved in a brawl" in May 2009, the publication says.

Other characters involved in the 2009 altercation with the Oompa Loompa were Spiderman and a Teletubby called Tinky Winky.

The victim in this most recent incident reported that another man and a woman were also present. Although the pair were reported not to have been a part of the attack, police are looking for them.

No description of the man was provided, but the woman was reported to have dark hair and a dress with a split at the side.

Given the Oompa Loompa's history of mischief-making with other fictional characters and the woman's description, Pamville News suggests Norfolk police search for Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, two well-known culprits in repeated attacks on Bullwinkle Moose and Rocky Squirrel.

(We wish the victim a speedy recovery from http://viewnorth40.wordpress.com.)