Oh, mother, Russia

Great, a Russian spy ship is sitting off our East Coast and we are so far removed from the Cold War era that the internet, our goddess of all information, has us better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a real life Red Dawn.

By now you’ve heard from multiple news sources that the Russian spy ship Viktor Leonov has been cruising the Atlantic Coast waters off Delaware, Connecticut and now Virginia since Tuesday.

The ship has stayed in international waters about 30 miles off the coast, but this incident has come hot on the heals after a Trump administration official said Russia has deployed a cruise missile in violation of a Cold War-era arms control treaty.

Suddenly, I’m transported back to 1984 and the movie “Red Dawn” in which the late actor Patrick Swayze led a handful of scrappy Colorado high school kids in a successful rebellion after Soviet Union, Nicaraguan and Cuban military forces invaded the U.S.

All I can think is, Oh, great! Patrick Swayze is dead. Who’s gonna save us now?

The internet offered few useful tips on how to prepare for a Russian invasion.

However, from the looks of some of those surviving-Russia websites, the FBI has probably put my name on a watch list and started a file on me for just for reading those sites and has, I don’t know, some top secret spyware tracking my every online move from here on out.

For all that grief, I got nothing. None of those survivalist nut jobs had anything worthwhile to meet my immediate save-me-from-Russia needs.

Apparently, I should’ve built a bunker and stocked it with Twinkies and beans and weenies a long time ago. And according to some of the early Cold War propaganda, I should’ve taken my desk home after graduating grade school all those decades ago so I could be crouching beneath it, covering my eyes from the glare of nuclear explosions.

And, honestly, the whole spy ship thing could be a ruse to draw our attention away from Alaska where Russia lurks only 55 miles off our northwest coast. Russia could be invading us as we speak.

I don’t know what’s going on there. We haven’t heard much from former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, so I don’t know if she’s still keeping an eye on Russia or not.

Our best hope is that, like Sean Connery's character in “The Hunt for Red October,” the captain of this Russian sea-faring vessel is just trying to surrender himself and his ship to the U.S.

And if that’s the case, we need Alec Baldwin to leave his Trump-spoofing gig on Saturday Night Live to reprise his role as Jack Ryan, CIA analyst, and make those arrangements.

Unless Baldwin insists on showing up in his President Trump costume, then all bets on outcomes are off.

(In the meantime, I am assembling my Zombie Apocalypse team., We’re going to rewatch “Red Dawn” and do a little cross training at [email protected].)