Pastor's Corner: Three little words

Sometimes, the holidays bring out the best in us. Sometimes they bring out the worst. When the anxious, stressed, depressed, snippy, snappy, or foul-mood you makes an appearance-whether in December or July-relationships can get taxed. Our relationships with parents, children, significant others, even with God, can suffer when our metaphorical demons come out to play.

Samuel Wells is the vicar of the London church St. Martin-in-the-Fields (though this church isn't in the fields anymore; it's on Trafalgar Square in central London). The Rev. Wells recently shared the advice he gives couples who are going through premarital counseling-advice that I believe works to improve and strengthen every intimate relationship. Rev. Wells asks his couples to unlearn three words and replace them with three other words. It's simple, yet profound, and it might do us all some good this Christmas season and beyond.

The first word to unlearn is "if." "If" makes our relationships transactional. "If you wash the dishes, we can watch your favorite show. If you weren't so annoying, exasperating, and infuriating, I'd be kind, gentle, and understanding. If you tell me the truth, I'll tell you the truth." We let go of "if," and we embrace the word "always" instead. "Always" stresses that our love is permanent and not conditional. 'If' makes a contract. "Always" makes a covenant.

The second word to unlearn is "for." "For" keeps a score and stacks up grievances. "Do you know how much time it took to shovel the driveway for you? Do you have any idea how hard I work to provide a comfortable future for you? Do you realize I gave up a lot for you?" When we use "for," we're naming the unspoken resentments that crowd our relationships. "For," according to the Rev. Wells, is based on "a private sense of unrecognized moral superiority," which isn't a healthy thing to be carrying inside a relationship. Instead of "for," we should lean into "with." "With" emphasizes that we're on the journey together, and we're OK with regular recalibrating. "For" means entitlement. "With" means sharing.

The third word to unlearn is "ask." Asking clearly has its place in a relationship. You need to ask a lot of things before making a lifelong commitment, but there comes a point when asking becomes a form of judgment. "Did you love someone before me? Did you ever do something you're still ashamed of? Is there anything you haven't told me?" Once you've clearly chosen each other, "asking" should give way to "wondering." Instead of approaching the other person with the agenda of an "ask," approach with the openness of wonder. Rev. Wells says, "To share your memories of the past is an act of trust and tenderness. To share your wonderings about the future is intimacy of an even higher order. 'I wonder what you're looking forward to. I wonder what you're afraid of. I wonder what you most need from me.'" Wonder pulls us closer; asking puts us at odds. To wonder together is to walk into the future with hands clasped and hearts linked.

Three simple words. Put them together, and you get: "Always with wonder." To approach life with our partners this way is a beautiful thing. To approach life with God this way is a holy thing. Always with wonder. As we draw closer and closer to the birth of God's only Son, and as we draw closer and closer to our friends and family, we remember: Always with wonder.

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Pastor Megan Hoewisch

First Lutheran Church